Tonight it's been three weeks since the tour ended. In the morning I wake up and it freaks me out that another day has passed. I feel the urge to stop the process of moving forward in time. I want to pull the emergency brake, grab my suitcase, get off the train and run all the way back.
I have a lot of free time at the moment which I spend reminiscing, thinking, writing, reading, listening to music, updating the website and waiting for new concert dates; these little things that I like to do most while I'm not on tour.
I'm still in the middle of completing my report. I wrote a little entry about each day while being on the tour but now that I'm back I can take my time and add more trivial details. And I remember almost every little detail. The more personal aspects concerning the shows I wrote down in a private entry (yes, as much as I like to write on here there are many personal things that will never appear in a public entry, instead I save them for myself or for a letter that I'm working on).
I write down my memories so I can go back to those days whenever I want to. Words have a very strong power to take you back in time. Sometimes even more than pictures because while looking through a lense and taking a photo you tend to get a different perspective than the one you would perceive without it. A photo sometimes even falsifies the memory.

I'm very pensive and quiet these days. I've always been like that but these days more than ever. I don't have to make any groundbreaking decisions and I live a very loose life. I reminisce a lot.
I still haven't arrived properly.
The healing process takes a lot of time. I miss those blissful days painfully; the days on which I saw Debbie. What could make me happier than seeing her, this wonderful person who I love dearly and more than I love anyone else in the world.
I miss her so much.

Everything was perfect on the tour and I was overwhelmed by all the positive feelings that I carried within me.
I feel so blessed that I had the chance to see her almost every night.
I'm praying that I will get another chance to see her soon. There are so many things that I would love to share with her after those wonderful days. She should know how truly happy she has made me.
I've never been happier in my life than today three weeks ago.
The next day I was at the airport. The tour was over. I waved to the plane to Newark (the third coincidence during that month), wished it a safe journey over the big pond and was one of the last people to board the plane at the next gate.
It was anything but easy.

I keep looking at all the beautiful pictures of the tour. I have a little folder on my computer now with my favorites pictures. I have all of them opened in 'Preview' the whole day and they make me smile so big. The last time I took pictures myself at a show was in 2004. And that was the only time I ever did that. I don't feel comfortable about it, anymore. It makes me feel like stealing something from her without asking. I can't exactly put my finger on what that is but just the idea makes me feel horrible. I'm thankful for the pictures that people take (if they're taken without flash and people don't bother her with their cameras) but I couldn't do it.
Instead I prefer to concentrate on the show (or the moment before or after a show) and enjoy it to the full extent. I soak up every little detail and memorize it forever, not on a memory card or photographic film (or even video) but in my heart.

It's been exactly a year now since I received a promotional copy of Debbie's "Necessary Evil" album and listened to it for the very first time (http://ontheboundary.livejournal.com/2007/08/02/). I had returned from the Blondie tour, after the last show in Copenhagen, only a couple of days earlier. Oh, how different that last show was compared to Oslo.
I still listen to this wonderful album almost every night. These days more than ever because it brings her closer to me. It's my best friend. It saved my life more than once, in so many respects. Each of the songs create a different colorful picture in my head.
"Needless To Say" is my favorite, I think, even though it's hard to pick one.
I'm so thankful that Debbie made it.
And not only that, along with it came a beautiful new website. I love it so much. I always look forward to the next update. The ideas behind it are so sweet and creative. I wanted to tell her that. It's so special.

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Although I don't have to make any groundbreaking decisions right now I occasionally think about my future. I was asked where my home was. These days I question my future here in this country more than ever. It won't be long until I finish my studies and I don't really see myself living here in a couple of years, anymore.
I'm not very happy in this country for several reasons and I do have a strong urge to speak more English or even Spanish.
I consider moving away.
I've always felt strongly connected with anglophone countries, especially the United States. I can picture myself living there in a few years.
Whenever I go to the States I feel like I'm at home right away. When I return to Germany the callousness of the mentality blows into my face. I noticed that so many times before. I'm afraid of getting to a point where I will accept it as a compromise I have to make in my life because that definitely is not the case. All I need is courage. And I have a lot of courage when it comes to making life decisions.

When I write a public Livejournal entry I often wonder how much I should reveal of the events that occurred and my very own feelings. For me there's a sacred boundary when I begin to write too much about the habits or behavior of other people as it could possibly make them feel uncomfortable because the portrait I draw of them may not be completely accurate or they don't want certain things to be mentioned.
I always choose my words very, very carefully and take a lot of time to think about these things. In order to filter my thoughts I solely listen to my own heart.

I'm still deeply shocked. I'm sure that whatever I will write in this entry won't be appropriate and measure up to the current circumstances. But I feel I should give it a try.
My friend Allie is dead.
She died in a horrible plane crash in Fremont earlier this week. Noone really knows yet why this happened. On board with her were her soon to be husband, her father and some family friends. None of them survived. I can only imagine what her poor mother is going through right now.
Allie was one of the most positive people I've ever known. She was always full of hope and had so many plans and dreams. She had only just finished university and started working as a teacher which was her absolute dream job. In the summer she wanted to go to China to teach little school kids for a couple of weeks. Later this year she wanted to get married.
We were talking about meeting again later this year. A few years ago she came to Germany as an exchange student which was how we met for the first time.
I have the fondest memories of cooking with her in her hostmom's kitchen and playing "Sweet Home Alabama." She had the rare talent of making really yummy sandwiches. When I tried to make them myself it just never tasted the same.
She also made the best chocolate cookies in the world. She always said the recipe was very simple but I never asked for it. While I was staying at the Chelsea Hotel last year I had posted a bulletin on Myspace saying if anyone wanted to send me something or give me a visit, everyone would be welcome. A few days later I had a big package waiting at the reception for me which was full of her famous cookies.
We sometimes took the train from Hamburg to Lüneburg and watched "Golden Girls" on her laptop which she thought was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing.
At the time I was addicted to Oreo cookies which were still hard to obtain in Germany. She wrote a funny poem about it which made me laugh so hard.
Sometimes we roamed the streets of Hamburg just for the sake of it. Our lives were completely different but we always had something to talk and laugh about.
During her stay in Germany she traveled to a lot of places in Europe. She went all by herself accompanied by her little stuffed animal, a rabbit called Sheep, which a friend of her had given to her in elementary school while she was ill. She carried him everywhere and took pictures of him in front of famous sights like the Eiffel Tower or the Brandenburg Gate. She took tons of pictures.
She once started a blog in which she wrote about the world from the perspective of that stuffed animal which was hilarious.
Now I wonder if they will bury him with her.

These things always make you wonder why this had to happen. I believe that these kind of tragedies force us all to think about our own lives and demand from us to learn something from it for our own future, what we could do better to improve our own and other's lives. The transitoriness of life all of a sudden becomes aware to all of us. Life can be over from one second to another. That is something I learnt at an early stage in my life but it hadn't been this present in a while.
These days I keep asking myself so many questions. What were their last thoughts before they hit the ground? How did it feel when they crashed? And most important of all: Where are their souls now?

Speaking of transitoriness, I am once more aware of how many chances in my life I probably missed due to mere stupidity or clumsiness in which cases I've always been my own obstacle. In moments like these it seems nothing but stupid and I would like to kick my own ass and remind myself that whatever plans I still have, tomorrow I may not be able to realize them anymore.
Allie was never afraid of anything. A few years ago she even went skydiving.
Noone had thought she would ever crash like this.

http://www.portclintonnewsherald.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080612/UPDATES01/80612023/1002/NEWS01